There are moments that hit you all the sudden. Some of them are fleeting, like a wisp of the wind on the back of your neck. Some of them are hard-hitting and take you some time to recover. There are certain songs that can bring back memories or make you feel something you haven’t felt in so long. Some of those moments we don’t want to relive and when we do, what do we do with it? We feel it. Every single bit of that emotion you locked away.
It’s been four months since he left. Well, technically he didn’t leave because he wasn’t here to leave but he left me. He left me broken, in shambles, unable to get through a day without a Valium every 8 hours and mindless television to make the days go by faster. I rushed them because I felt like if I did, the pain would go away faster. I went to work a zombie and sat at my desk every single day, working hard to not think about him.
Some days were better than others. Some were easy because I kept busy and poured everything into my work. Some days were hard because I would see something that would remind me of him.
It took me three weeks to even venture back to my bedroom to sleep because when I was in there, I felt him. Granted he’d never been in my bedroom, but he was there, on my computer screen every single night, as we fell asleep together and waking up to each other every morning. He wasn’t here, but he was and I couldn’t even look at my computer.
The day I ventured back into my room and slept in there was a bit of a celebration for myself. I kept reminding myself that this was a small victory but I had yet won the battle.
The days turned into weeks, weeks into months and before I realized it, I’d met someone.
It wasn’t on purpose. In fact, it was completely accidental. He introduced himself to me, we had a lot in common and the conversation was easy.
One month later, I was in his arms and we were talking about feelings and the scary parts of being with another person. We both weren’t completely ready, but it was a start. It was a fresh start and I was happy that I made the trip.
Here we are another month later working on three and I was finally starting to feel free of his hold… yes him, the other person who broke my spirit… I was finally feeling free of him.
Then as I was driving, a song came on my playlist.
“Hate Me” by Blue October came on and I was going to change the song but I thought I could handle it. I have in the past gotten through a breakup with this song but for some reason, it hit me, hard. It reminded me so much of not only our relationship but the end of it.
We were both a mess. His family life and mine were a lot alike. He had a lot of insecurities issues and I had a lot of issues with being too dependent on him. I know I pushed him away and I hate myself for the conversation that led to that.
There’s a line in the song that says “Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you…” and I don’t know if that line hurts more because it sounds like something he would have said to me or if it’s because it’s how I feel about him.
Either way, I found myself near tears after the song was over and I felt that gut-wrenching pain that I’d felt when he left all over again.
No amount of moving on or the space between us could fix that pain I felt when I heard that line. I had to keep it together because I knew that if I let that emotion take me over, it would forever do it.
So, I went home, put in my earbuds and played the song three or four times until I got it out of my system to write this. By the third time I played the song, I no longer felt that pain but the push to keep moving forward because there is no point in trying to relive the things that cannot be changed.
There will always be heartache and pain. There will always be people who push you away. However, it’s all in how you recover from the pain and the heartache that define who you are. Sure, I had my moments of pettiness and directed some of my tweets towards him on Twitter. There are still times I check up on him to make sure he’s okay. However, I’m happy.
I was happy with him… but this is a different kind of happiness. This is the kind that I created on my own, for myself, and not for anyone else. Who I’m with is a bonus.
Am I in love right now? I think so, maybe. I feel love for another person and I didn’t think it was possible.
However, there will always be songs that will remind me of him. There will always be moments in time that are frozen in hard ice until it thaws out with a fleeting memory.
My goal from now on is to make those wisps of the wind on the back of my neck.